A Tryst of Fate: Chapter Sixteen... "True Love"

"Do you believe in True Love?" he asked, pausing for what he hoped would be a small effect.   "Not the kind of love they show you in the movies where everything is perfect and sunshine.   I mean True Love.   You know, the kind of love that's hard-won, the kind you can only find with one other person on the whole planet?"  His gaze drifted away aimlessly.   "The kind of love that lasts through all the nonsense the world can dish out and never goes away?  The kind of love that you can't ever really explain, but you know it's there because it envelops every ounce of your soul?  Do you believe in that kind of True Love?"  The look on Peter's face was a mixture of anticipation and terror.   It was as if he was watching a brand new ship docking in the harbor but afraid of who might disembark.   Afraid of what that new ship might challenge about his comfortably stayed lifestyle.   

To Makenna, Peter looked like a small boy who just asked his mother if he could keep the puppy that followed him home from the park.   She thoughtfully took a sip of her drink.  Then, she sat back in the booth and began to speak in a tone that could have been another person's voice altogether.   

"True Love?  Let me tell you a little story about True Love...

"You spend your whole life waiting for it.   Really preparing yourself for the one day when True Love will finally find you.   You heed your parents advice, though they don't realize you're listening; and your friends, who aren't really much help because they're just as confused as you are; and you try to be the person that men want you to be.

"You think that tenderness and emotion is what they want to see.   That romantic tendencies and thoughtful demeanor are what men really want, though they all brag that they want and get much more.  So you do anything and everything they ever ask of you, within reason.   You are loyal beyond expectation.   In fact, you are so loyal that most men don't believe you when you say you are, just because they're not accustomed to such devotion.   You even go so far as to change your appearance to match some magazine cover you saw him stare at once.   But it's never enough.   It's never right.   So you change."

Peter's face was crestfallen.   He was surprised by her words, caught completely unprepared.   His silence gave her the permission she needed to continue.

"You get tough," Makenna continued.   "You get aggressive and as independent as you possibly can.   You learn to use sex to manipulate emotions, and you learn to ignore emotions.   You learn to hide what you truly need and simply learn to live with what you get.   You push away those who might enjoy a romantic interlude, only to endure weeks of one-night stands in misery.   Finally, you give up completely and relinquish yourself to the person you have always been, despite what the men might think, say, do, or want.   You go back to listening to your emotions and acting on whimsical impulse.   And, it's still not right."

Peter nervously gulped his drink and signaled the waitress to bring more.  Makenna kept talking, barely taking a breath.   She was in her own world of frustration, and she wasn't giving up the podium.

"At last," Makenna sighed, "you find a heart that seems in sync with yours.   You think that you may have finally found True Love, despite all the self-help books on healing doomed relationships that adorn your bookshelves and coffee table.  But, then, that fateful day comes."

"What day?" Peter asked in nearly a whisper.

"He breaks your heart," said Makenna flatly.   "You spend a lot of time asking yourself 'why' and 'how come.'   You spend more days and nights alone than you can ever remember, and you take to sleeping on the couch because the bed is too big and too empty.   You cry an ocean of tears and decide that taking out stock in the Kleenex Corporation might be a wise move.   You decide that if any man is ever going to share True Love with you, it'll have to be someone who isn't too fussy and is desperate enough to love you as you are; romantic quirks, emotions and all."

"I don't know who wouldn't want to love you.   You're pretty spectacular."  Peter smiled, but Makenna didn't see it.   She was lost now, this ship had sailed, and there was a wake at her stern.

"Then, out of nowhere, you finally find someone that you discovered you loved all along, yet you were too busy being stupid to notice.   You vow to yourself to love him and be loyal to him forever.   A flash of the past hits you, and you recall that's how you got into this trouble in the first place.   So, you change your tack a little bit.   You keep your distance, trying not to force your way into his life, yet remain as close as possible.   You remember that friendship is the most important thing, forever, and you never forget your vow.   

"Then you lose him anyway.   Not only does his closeness slip away, but you feel his friendship slipping away, too.   You begin to second-guess your relationship with him.   You begin to slowly drive yourself mad.   You wonder what it is about you that he doesn't like.   You wonder if there was anything you could have done differently to make him want to stay.   You wonder if you'll ever get the chance to make it right again.   Most of all, you wonder if you'll ever see him again… that is your worst fear… never seeing him again.

"So you spend your evenings trying not to bother him and not make a nuisance of yourself.   You try to get yourself to accept your fate.   But of course, it isn't a fate easily swallowed.   So at last, you have a really good cry over the whole mess and awake the next morning ruing the day you came into the world.   Cynicism and bitterness creep into your day one happy little ray of sunshine at a time, and you feel a tremendous sorrow for what you know could have been wonderful if only it were given a chance to flourish.   You would have given your life to please him, and you have… by letting him go.   

"Squaring your shoulders and disallowing any trace of a tear, you tread through your life, savoring the beauty you can find in little things, knowing that's all the world has left you.   You accept it, realizing that some things were just simply meant to be.   But, all that doesn't change how desperately you love and miss him.   And that, my friend, is what True Love is really all about."

****

Gillian stopped reading when she realized the story had changed.   It began the same way their playful first night did so long ago.   Well, except the prostitute part, that was his creative license exerting itself.  Still, she realized this last part–his monologue about True Love– was more of the present and less of the past.   What she wasn't sure about, though, was the message he was trying to send.   Are these his thoughts and feelings, or is he fishing for mine?  Out of all the stories he'd told so far, this one was the most puzzling to her.   I just can't figure this one out.   She kept reading.

****

"All I really want is someone who'll stay," said Peter.   "So often I meet a woman… and she's great and everything… but then she never stays.   I can't figure out why.   I mean, if it's something I've done, I wish she would say so...  then maybe I could stop it from happening the next time."  Peter sounded like a confused child, unsure how he became covered in mud after he'd been out playing in the rain-soaked yard.   In that instant, Makenna almost felt sorry for him...  this poor, lost soul with no one to love him.   Almost.   

"Haven't you been listening?!"  Makenna was stunned at how much Peter missed.   So, she attempted to put it into simpler terms for his pathetic, inebriated little brain to follow.  As Makenna continued, there was more than a bit of contempt in her voice.   "It's men like you that I don't get.   I'll bet that more times than you can count, you've found someone who was really dedicated… someone who was willing to stay forever… and you pushed her away." 

"Why...  why would I do that?" Peter said, nearly whining.

"That's the part I don't get," snipped Makenna.   "I've heard so many men talk about how they just want someone who'll stay.   Although it's never just that.   It's been said that women have an unattainable laundry list of qualifications for inviting a man into her life.   Well, let me tell you, men have got their own little laundry list going."  As Makenna spoke, she ticked off the items on her fingers.   "They want someone who'll be completely devoted.   They want someone subservient to them in bed yet independent in all other aspects of life.   They want someone who'll love them unconditionally.   And, most of all, someone who'll want them as much as they want to be wanted–never more, never less.   But, when that person comes along, they invariably push her away.   Maybe they pushed her away because they were frightened.   Because when actually faced with that kind of devotion, they weren't sure how to handle it.

"So my guess is, the guy discovers some minor flaw about her… something that just didn't quite fit into his agenda… and he lets her go.   Or he helps her feel the need to go, based on that one little aspect that just wasn't right in that moment.   Men never think beyond the moment."

Peter looked at her with a mixture of doubt and confusion, so Makenna continued.   "Perhaps it was that her name or face reminded him of someone he loved and lost.   Maybe she didn't look exactly like the picture of the ideal woman he'd seen in a magazine.   It could have been that her bank balance was more important than who she was as a person.   Or perhaps she had a child, a pet, or a career responsibility that he didn't think he wanted to deal with.   Although, of course, he told her several times that thing wasn't an issue.   

"You see, this guy makes up all this odd logic in his head, so it somehow makes sense to him, although to no one else, and he pushes her further and further away.   Sometimes it happens subtly with forgotten phone calls and missed dates.  Other times, it's very obvious with mean-spirited words and hurtful anger.   But in the end, she's still gone.   She's left trying to figure out why he pushed her away, and he's left trying to figure out why she left."

Makenna took a sip of her drink and paused for a moment.   When she continued, her voice was almost a whisper.   "And you know, the funny thing is, if he asked her back into his life again, she'd most likely come running.   She’d forgive him completely and go back to being just as devoted as she always was.   Until he pushes her away again.   They'll come to play this kind of 'yo-yo' game until she just can't do it anymore.   Then he'll ask her back once more… only this time, she won't be there.   

"That's just about the time he comes to a place like this, staring into the crowd, trying to find her in a sea of people, only to wake up the next morning disappointed, confused, and horribly hungover.   He, of course, never does find her again.   So, he tosses her memory on the pile of emotional failure with all the others.   He ignores the possibility that it was his failure instead of hers.   Now, he is refreshed and can work his 'magic' on someone else who believes he's important enough to be devoted to him forever." 

When Makenna emptied herself of the rant, Peter took a sip of his drink and leaned back in his seat.   It's interesting the things you can learn if you really listen.